Worth

I have found myself over the past few weeks, particularly the past few days, thinking about worth. I ask, what is my current life situation worth? I have come to yet another one of those points in life where you ask yourself, what is my life’s purpose? Am I doing enough? Is my life worth it? The Oxford American Desk Dictionary (2001) defines worth as something “of a value equivalent to”. Hmm…but that’s just it, the equivalent to what? Having no job has placed me in unfamiliar territory. The things that are commonly used to judge worth in our society (money, position, promotion, office relations, finishing assigned tasks, etc.) are no longer applicable to my life as a housewife. I earn no money. I have no coworkers. It is not likely that I will be promoted. I feel lost.

I am even more affected by these feelings when I am around others. Almost constantly, yet politely, they inquire as to my current situation- where I am working? Who am I teaching? How can I possibly not be employed? Oh! Wait! I must be pregnant! I just try to force a smile out, replying that I am searching for work and no, I am not pregnant. It’s difficult because I believe so much of who we are (and who we can become) is defined by others’ opinions of us. I wish I could explain how, with each inquiry, I feel less and less adequate, less like their expectation that I am a strong, successful woman. I want to be able to talk about what a great job I have or the great program that I am developing. Additionally, and perhaps conversely, I would like people to be more supportive and realize how being a housewife offers it’s own challenges and difficulties. Writing this, I wonder if it takes more strength to put yourself second, to stay at home to support someone else?

Let’s regress- despite attempts to stay positive, there are moments in the day (some days more than others) where the doubt creeps up and I feel completely worthless. My husband is off working hard, nurturing the future, and I am scrubbing mould and running errands. In Japanese society, most households follow this pattern. The husband works long hours and the wife supports him by cooking, cleaning and caring for his family. I haven’t reached the point though where I feel I can justify my current house wife-ing as ‘supporting’ my husband. Six months ago, I did all these things while I was working long hours myself. Shouldn’t I still be? Heck, I don’t even have a ‘family’ to care for yet! Yes, part of it is the situation; work is hard for a foreigner to obtain in the countryside of Japan. But I have not been able to shake the feeling that I should be ‘supporting’ the household while simultaneously earning income. I think this belief stems from my idea of worth though. To be worth something, I should have a secure, respected job and earn a decent wage to support my family’s future. This is what strong, successful, intelligent women do, right? Especially when they are getting ready to buy a car, remodel a house, etc. This lack of confidence (for when I looked up self-worth in the dictionary I was referred to self-confidence) in my life path quickly leads to general life purpose uncertainties, and tears. Am I using all the talents and gifts I have been given to improve my world? Am I wasting my days? Can supporting my husband’s home environment be enough? Can I change my own outlook (and others disapproving raised eyebrows) to see the value in being a housewife?

So, what are some other ways of defining worth? Raising food for our household would be a great one but that is currently restricted by the size of our yard and my late fall arrival back to Japan. Expanding and developing our garden will have to wait until spring or until we are able to move somewhere with more space. I try to come up with more ways but the discouraging voice keeps piping up: are these alternative justifications just a cop out to make myself feel better?

Hush, annoying voice. In my heart of hearts, I don’t think so. One of the synonyms Oxford lists for worth is quality. Looking at it using different vocabulary, what are some of the qualities that make my life good? In striving to live a simple, countryside life, Craig and I have learned to emphasize the important things in our life that are not money and material wealth. Learning usually emerges as the biggest. This is something I have plenty of time for now- reading books, studying Japanese, exploring my new surroundings. Creating (or growing) things ourselves is another. How much can we create from raw materials, or recycled pieces, that we would normally buy at a store? When we chose to stay here in Japan, we knew that I wouldn’t have many prospects for work. But that was ok, because we would be able to stay in a place that has allowed us to be so happy, to be content with very little.

Six months later, I am realizing in trying to nurture my happiness that I have remind myself (especially on tough, lonely days) there is much more to self-worth, than a job or the salary attached. As my momma told me, this is a new phase and it will have its own lessons, rewards and enjoyable parts. Why else live, if not to enjoy? Who knows how long it will last. I need to be happy with what I am right now rather than wallow in the imaginings of what I “should” be, or in what others expect me to be pursuing.

But I also need to remember to be thankful for this situation. I am reminded of the Japanese phrase: Ichi go, ichi e. Breathe in, breathe out. I have just one chance to live out this moment. I will never have another chance to be in this situation, just as it is right now. I will keep fighting those feelings of not being worth enough in my relationship, in my life. I need to stay confident in my choice, in my husband’s choice, in our choice. And so, I sit in my new favorite place to write, watching the clouds float past, breathing the crisp fall air through the open porch door, and being thankful for the chance to be here, even if I am not employed.

RIGHT?!?!?