Thankful and confused

So much for my grand summer plans of writing something each week...I did find some time today though to give my blog a little face-lift. Do you like it? I do.

Life has been very busy (whose life isn't?) this summer. My two and a half weeks without Craig were interesting. Hard at first, full of hours of Survivor in the middle, and really exciting in the end. Not just because I was excited to see him and celebrate our fifth anniversary but because in the span of about two weeks I was offered two full time jobs?!?! A year ago we were worried if I would be able to work at all. Now I have more than I can fit in! And the under eye circles to show for it.

This is an amazing blessing. But my thankful feelings quickly dissolved into confusion. Which path do I head down? Which job is going to lead in the 'best' direction? Which do I want to do more?

So in order to discern where I should (is there a "should" path in life?) be heading, I have been thinking about dreams. I haven't been able to feel or remember my dreams recently. I have been asking myself- What were/are you dreams? Not the 'sip cappuccino in an Italian cafe' kind, but the overall life goals kind of dreams.

When I was young, I dreamed of being a doctor. It wasn't until I got to university and realized the time commitment and surrounding implications that I didn't want to just be a doctor. I wanted to be and do many things, including have a family, read books, travel and spend time, slow time, with those around me. Pursuing medicine would be a long, full road and wouldn't leave much time for these things. So I started searching for something new- lawyer, teacher, conservationist...none of these really seemed to fit in my heart how I wanted them to.

I realized as I talked this through with an amazing friend two weeks ago, this is about the time I met Craig. When I realized what a perfect fit we were, I think I stopped dreaming about what I wanted to be. I just knew that I wanted to be near him, whatever else came with or after that would be fine. So much for that self image of strong, independent woman. :) I just wanted to marry him and walk through life with him. And I did and am.

Of course as a couple, we have someday things that we want to do but in my everyday life there is no immediate goal or dream that I am aiming for. I realized that instead of being an upsetting thing, this is an amazing blessing. I have everything I dreamed of- a happy life with my husband. My dream is now.

And perhaps this is why I have spent the last year blissfully happy but still conflicted inside. I have everything I need but am still at a crossroad. Where to head now? The motivation in me wonders what I am going to achieve next. And keeps nagging at me with the "when" of that achievement. In step these new full time job offers. One is to continue teaching elementary similar to what I am doing now. The other is editing, translating and has the potential to develop into international teacher training/travel. Wait- do I even want to take a full time job? And what about that word everyone keeps subtly dropping in conversation "kids"? How would that change my job situation? My motivation?

Fortunately, I cannot make a change until next March (end of the 'year' in Japan and when job changes happen) because of my current commitments. Plenty of thinking time for us. The pessimist in me also remembers this is also plenty of time for both employers to change their minds...

Craig and I celebrated five years last Saturday at a quaint Italian restaurant in Hiroshima (and two nights at a posh hotel) and we spent three hours drinking wine and discussing what could be...he is an amazing dreamer. My eyes just kept getting bigger. Could I really do this (can you guess what job I am talking about)? And what other things could I pursue "someday" due to this experience?

My heart brims over with smiles and thankfulness everyday for where life has brought us so far. I marvel at how I never could have imagined eight years ago when I met him that we would be here. Yet confused (overwhelmed?) at how to proceed. Stay tuned...