A Happy New Year!

BOO! Did you miss me? i hope you all enjoyed a wonderful Christmas/New Year's holiday. craig and i did. i feel so lucky to be able to travel the world when i feel like it (well within reason). this time it was a particularly well timed break. it was a very full and long 2nd term. also, after we made the heart breaking decision to move back to the US, i was having a really hard time just going to work in the morning. i had a few days (actually the entire week and a half before we left for the UK) where i could hardly bear to look at the smiles that melt my heart because i knew i would just have to leave them behind in a few months. the more you attach yourself and involve yourself in what you do, the harder it is to leave it behind. i have thrown everything i have into this job and to have to leave it has really been crushing.

i have been working so hard to create a job for myself in a country that tries so hard to keep foreigners out by only employing them temporarily. but how does that saying go? you don't get to have cake and eat it too...well i succeeded and my tiny town, with its ever decreasing budget, offered to double what they are paying me now (currently since i am a JET half my salary is paid by the national government. if i was hired privately, due to my JET job hitting its five year max, that money would no longer by provided), to stay longer. what an honor. i was shocked. but that cake eating thing...i am married...life is not just about what i want and what i choose to do anymore. it is also about supporting my partner in life and helping him reach his dreams. craig has been dreaming for quite a long time about getting his master's in education and having his own class. he has waited long enough. the best way for him to do that master's is to return to the US.

for the first time in our seven years together, our dreams took separate paths. ultimately, i had to look at the decision in thirds- me, him and us. i wanted to stay in japan. he wanted to go home. the 'us' third was tougher but ultimately, was the US since we will someday have children and i will want to stay at home to care for them. he will be the income source. therefore, i have to support the path that will best allow his career to move along. more importantly, he is so excited to pursue further training and learning. i want to support his happiness. so i agreed to leave this wonderful place i have been able to call home for five years. and it has been really tough. when i look at him i know i have made the right choice. he is so happy/excited. when i think about how the last two years have brought me the most peace and contentment that i have ever experienced, and the validation that my bosses have given me, i feel like an absolute idiot for leaving. but such is life. wonderful, and impossible.

so that is where i find myself on this rainy night...despite the fact that a decision has been made, i am still trying to balance those feelings of me, my husband and us. during our few weeks in the UK, the question "But what are you going to do?" was posed often by friends and family. it was all i could do not to cry (good thing japan has taught me such a mean poker face..) because i have no idea. it was my dream to stay abroad. to be free. to travel. to be challenged relentlessly by a culture, people and language so different from those i was raised in. these dreams, while not impossible in the US, will need to be adjusted. they will not be as easily presented. and i will need to figure out what sort of career to pursue. but i am always up for a challenge...right????